Failed Relationship PTSD

It was morning. I was walking to work.

It was a hot morning, mind you. I was simultaneously walking to work and dissecting every event of the previous night, looking for clues that it was time to abandon a potentially sinking relationship ship.

That’s where it hit me, and by it I don’t mean the proverbial relationship ship. It hit me that I am a sufferer from failed relationship PTSD, but I’m probably not alone in this group of people.

Let’s define what I mean by failed relationship PTSD, shall we?

Failed Relationship PTSD: After being brutally bludgeoned in the heart by an unsuccessful amorous tryst, the person becomes consumed with the desire to anticipate if a relationship is going to fail or not quickly, oftentimes leading to grim conclusions that become self-fulfilling prophecies. This person oftentimes looks for “warning signs” that may or may not be there, projects those to the future and makes rash judgments. Person may or may not be plagued with both uncertainty and flashbacks of good and bad moments of the previous relationship, which he or she compares to any future relationship.

If you do not count yourself in this group of people, consider yourself lucky.  

After the demise of a six point three year-long relationship, in which there were one point three years of engagement (you know, to be married), I have become one of those people who live in constant fear of things ending suddenly and without obvious warning signs. And why shouldn’t I? The warning signs, red flags and neon clowns jumping up and down with signs that say “DON’T DO IT. RUN AWAY!” are only glaringly obvious in hindsight.

As a sufferer of failed relationship PTSD, I’m trying to manage my relationship anxiety by breathing, taking a step back, breathing again, and drinking a glass of wine (or a bottle) when that doesn’t work. I’m kidding. Mostly.

What I have been doing is keeping myself busy with friends and turning my energies into cooking things beyond the “just add water” variety.

Alas, I don’t believe my failed relationship PTSD will be over any time soon, but we’re all relegated to deal with our pasts, for better or worse. I wouldn’t be the person I am without that last relationship; yes, I have baggage and some ghosts, but don’t we all?

If all’s fair in love and war, and if love is a battlefield, then PTSD just means I’m alive and coping.