Boobs Up to My Chin and Other Forms of False Advertising

A good pushup bra will get you places in life. If it doesn't, it at least lets your boobs get places (and by places I mean up to your collarbone, at least).

I'll never forget the day my affinity for push-up bras was discussed by my parents and my least favorite aunt on the way to a restaurant. This aunt of mine is the one whom I have whom I have the least amount of affection for, given as she's always stated that I'm never getting married or keeping a man because I'm too smart and don't keep my opinions to myself; if that's the case, I am shocked that she's divorced twice and hasn't had a long-lasting relationship for as long as I've been alive.

I was about nineteen at the time, and my mother was loudly complaining that I didn't appreciate the minimizer bras she had bought me because I favored bras with lining (or padding, as she referred to them).

Um, excuse me:

1.  There's nothing wrong with liking push-up bras, especially when your boobs are big enough to succumb to gravity. Damn gravity.
2. I. Don't. Like. Minimizers. They squish everything down and make me look more boxy than I already am.
3. It's not like I was a DD or anything. I was a perfectly acceptable C who was looking for a bit of lift, that's all. It's not like the so-called padding was designed to make my bust appear larger.
4. Speaking of which, I've never liked bras without lining. Possibly because I never want to be in a situation where people can see my nipples through my shirt. Just saying.

Anyhow, my aunt turned in horror towards me

Yep, that's about right.

and asked, "What will happen on your wedding night when your husband realizes that your boobs aren't as big as they seem?"

Ok, a few things:

A) Why does it have to be on our wedding night? Can he not see my breasts before? And does he have to be my husband?

B) Come the fuck ON. It's not like once they're in his hands or mouth he's going to be like, "Gross, they're not as big as I had estimated them being. Get dressed this instant and never show those hideous things to me ever again!" Dude, not even a gay man would say that about breasts (let's not get into my propensity to attract those type of males).

C) I'm not stuffing my bra for goodness sakes! It's just a pushup! It pushes my boobs UP to my chin!

D) Who the fuck cares if I wear pushup bras?

"Well, then, he can sue me for false advertisement," I replied.

My father's roaring laughter was the only addition to this conversation, though my mother and my aunt discussed the horrible nature of the false advertisement my boobs were conveying to the world.

Jesus Christ!

As a single lady (this inevitably brings Beyonce's song into my head), I've come to realize that false advertising isn't just in the form of makeup and pushup bras. Sure, some of us ladies use torture devices (i.e. Spanx and wire bras) in order to look our "best," but guys are oftentimes guilty of the worst kind of advertisement: they tell us everything we want to hear (or leave us to fill in the blanks for them) and then don't deliver.

Some of these guys, like Mr. Hot and Cold, knowingly use girls to fill the void of loneliness but aren't interested in "settling" down in any way, shape or form. The problem with this is that you can't tell by looking at most of them. They all look slightly geeky and perfectly nice (which is a problem for me because I just love the geeks), like someone your parents would approve.

Other ones, like church boyfriend, look like they're going to be the biggest douches in the world, talk like the biggest douches in the world, but end up being the nicest human beings possible once they think no one's looking.

Admittedly, one false advertisement is superior to the other, but does that mean that I should be on the lookout for sheep in wolves' clothing from now on?  I mean, what happens if it's just a wolf?

In the larger scheme of things, pushup bras aren't that bad, now are they?

Well, mother, I could do a lot worse than a
push up bra!