Your Labia is Showing

Going to graduate school is a tough choice. I mean, you basically come to school, promise to renounce any semblance of a life, read until your eyes want to shrivel up and die, speak about things during class you can't speak with "normal" people because they would look at you like you're fucking nuts (and perhaps you truly are insane), and in the process meet the biggest nerds you will ever meet in your life. 

Seriously, when you think about it, graduate degrees are for people who wake up one day and think, "Oh, I miss school so damn much I'm going to go back and ostracize myself from society willingly."

Well, that and we have a crappy economy. 

Graduate school seemed to me like the perfect choice, but after a broken engagement and dissolved plans, I started to wonder what the hell was wrong with me. In this process of discovery I realized I needed to start going out more, something that I didn't even do during my undergrad years (On a side note: my parents are thrilled I'm finally having the real college experience). 

Here's the thing about going to bars where I live: Most of these girls have used too bleach on their obviously non-blonde hair and most of them seem to have forgotten their pants. Or half their dresses. Some of them, it seems have been mugged and have holes in their dresses where there really shouldn't be any. 

I want to go up to them and be like, "Oh, honey, your labia is showing."

I blame this on Lady Gaga, I really do:

Where are your pants? Were you mugged? Have you notified the authorities?

And what in the name of all that is holy is up with your hair?

I guess I'm old-fashioned that way because when I told church boyfriend* 

*Church Boyfriend (noun): guy friend who frequently accompanies me to church, talks about inappropriate things -such as sexual exploits- during mass, holds doors for old ladies, is constantly checking out every female in discernible distance, constantly sexually harasses me verbally, and insists I'm like a sister to him -I know, I'm rolling my eyes too at that one. 

about this very wave of absentmindedness that led girls to leave their pants home he said, "They know what's up" in that very The Jersey Shore kind of talk he mistakes for charm. For someone who claims to have never seen The Jersey Shore, church boyfriend does a pretty good job of displaying all the characteristics that the guys from the supposed show MTV pushes down our throats and some of us watch because we're too lazy to change the channel (and become too intrigued with the inner workings of that pouf of hair we call Snooki). 

However, church boyfriend was not as enthusiastic about this wardrobe choice when I stated my desire to start leaving my pants home in order to understand the appeal of the fad. This led to a discussion on why it was okay for other girls to forget their pants, but not me... Or his future wife for that matter (who he has yet to meet because his standards for women are ridiculously high for someone who is such a man whore and dresses like he got rejected from The Jersey Shore but is still auditioning). 

Speaking of wives, the lovely Michelle Duggar (who just recently miscarried what would have been her twentieth child) has some tips for us women to have better marriages or understand our role in marriage:

- A Husband Needs A Wife Who Accepts Him As A Leader And Believes In His God-Given Responsibilities: Husbands are commanded to govern their wives; God works through a man’s decisions — good or bad; Bad decisions reveal his needs and allow the wife to appeal and demonstrate Godly character; The more a wife trusts her husband, the more careful he will be in giving her direction; Never ask others for counsel without your husband’s approval; reassure your husband that you understand and believe that he is your God-given leader.

- A Husband Needs A Wife Who Will Continue To Develop Inward And Outward Beauty: How can you become more of the wife of your husband’s dreams?; discover and conform to your husband’s real wishes; explain your hairstyle to others on the basis of your submission to your authority; separate your 'rights' from your responsibilities.

- Ask Your Husband To Define Your Responsibilities: Ask your husband to tell you when you have a resistant spirit; dispel a backbiting tongue by silence.

Source: Perezitos

Wow, just wow. I now understand that why my relationship with my ex-fiancé didn't work! I obviously didn't accept him as my God-Given Leader and didn't ask him how to do my hair! Phew, what a relief! She's just saved me thousands of dollars in therapy and has given me the tools to prepare myself for my next relationship by being submissive and trusting his judgement above all others. I'm sure that'll work out perfectly.

I just have a question, though... Until then, how will I know how to do my hair?