Disappointing my Mother: One Dream at a Time

I wish I could say that the following types of conversations between me and my mother don't happen often. But they occur more often than I would care to admit.

"So you broke up with [insert name of awesome current boyfriend here] because [insert name of pitiful ex-fiance here] bought you a gigantic diamond ring," my mother accusingly yelled from the other side of the phone.

"Wait, what?" I asked.

This was all new to me. Last I checked, I was still in a stable relationship with my current boyfriend.

"In my dream. Last night," she explained, as if that cleared everything up. "You know, the dream I had last night about you."

"Oh. So?" I asked, looking at my computer screen.

"[insert name of pitiful ex-fiance here] bought you a big rose gold diamond ring and you broke up with [insert name of awesome current boyfriend here] because of it. I was livid. LIVID! How dare you break up with  [insert name of awesome current boyfriend here] because of some diamond?! I thought, 'this slut, how dare she shame me that way, after all the bad things that [insert name of pitiful ex-fiance here]?'"

"Um, mom?" I asked, while my query went unrecognized.

"And then, you had the gall to parade that filthy ring around, like it was some prize. Like that asshole is anything anyone would want to take back after the way he treated you. I cannot believe that you took him back after everything he did, and after finding someone so nice, [insert name of awesome current boyfriend here]. I woke up angry at you."

"Mom, you do know I have no control over what you dream, right?" I asked, as she kept rattling off animatedly at me.

"So then I turned to my coworker and loudly said '[insert name of pitiful ex-fiance here] flew to [insert state I'm living in at the moment] and gave my daughter an enormous diamond ring' so that [insert name of pitiful ex-fiance here]'s current girlfriend could hear it."

"What's happening? I'm confused," I asked, not being able to follow her train of thought.

"In my dream. I'm still talking about my dream."

"I see. Mom, first off, the chances of your dream happening are slim to none. Secondly, there's no diamond big enough that would make me leave [insert name of awesome current boyfriend here] for [insert name of pitiful ex-fiance here]."

"Thank God. Don't leave [insert name of awesome current boyfriend here]."

"Ok, mom, I promise," I replied, knowing there was no use arguing about the fact that her mind conjured this dream, not mine.

"I'm still mad because of the dream. I even told your dad about it. I could not believe you would do that to me."

Ladies and gentlemen, this just goes to show that I have mastered disappointing my mother even in her dreams. 

Reflections on Starting Over

Starting over in the dating world after a soul-crushing failure is both exhilarating and terrifying. Once you decide to start dating again, there's a sense of newness that excites the most skeptical of hearts. After this new relationship smell fades a a bit, doubts and frustrations surface.

When I first started dating after the wedding that never was, I was excited at the prospect of meeting new guys who represented potential life partners. At this point in my life, I was looking for someone who could be my best friend and partner in life, someone who wouldn't bail out when things got rough. Most of all, I was looking for someone who wouldn't call me a stupid slut in the middle of an argument.

After settling down into the confusing dating world, a world that was foreign to me after six years of monogamy, I was frustrated with the way things were unfolding. I've never been good at being patient, and add a dose of Failed Relationship PTSD to that character flaw... Then you have a recipe for disaster.

Looking back, I realize that most of my frustrations stemmed from the fact that the guys I was dating were not really relationship material and because I expected the next guy I dated pick up right where my big relationship left off. That kind of pressure is both unrealistic and crippling to dating.

The truth is that once you're in a relationship for multiple years for one person, you start forgetting how things were at the beginning, wonderful, but not necessarily deep. If that relationship ends, like it did for me, you miss the depth and the things that made you feel cared for as half of a couple. Expecting someone new to pick up where the other relationship left off is unfair. Depth in a relationship can only be cultivated with spending time together, and actually caring for one another.

For someone who likes to go into life from zero to sixty in three seconds, this process was one of the hardest things to realize. I can now say that after a year in my current relationship, I am in a better place depth-wise than I ever was in my previous relationship. I guess that's the thing I've realized, that you can achieve different levels of depth with each person you date, but it still takes time and willingness to start over with someone new.

I Want Instantaneous Results (Have I Been Watching Too Many Infomercials?)

If my entrance into life is any indication of my personality, it'd be that I'm impatient and I'm in a hurry to get wherever I want to be, regardless readiness or maturity. And you know what? That's absolutely and completely right. I was born two whole months before my mother's due date, possibly because I couldn't wait to face the world outside my mother's uterus.

I don't remember much about that time, but I could imagine I felt bitter disappointment at the mess I was once so eager to embrace. A medium-rare of a baby, I spent a month tubed up in an incubator. If baby pictures are any indication, I looked like a wrinkly rat with patches of hair (a sight only my parents could love; then again, I question this).

There I was, out in the world, tubed up to a machine because I couldn't breathe on my own. Metaphorically, things did not get better. Thankfully, I did not need tubing to breathe for the rest of my life.

I admit that one of my biggest shortcomings is impatience. I want things to happen, and I want them to happen yesterday. When I decide to go after something, I dive into the metaphorical waters with a quick prayer, and once I'm in I start wondering if I can even swim at all.

I don't just want to do any kind of swimming, mind you, I want to be the Michael Phelps/Ryan Lochte type swimmer and just excel at everything I do. Instantly.

Sometimes I get tired of swimming because I can't see the finish line, the shore, or any milestone that lets me know how far I've gotten or how close I am to getting what I want. That's exactly where I am at my current job at the moment. I've been with the company for about a year, am vastly overqualified with my master's degree, and I am struggling to pay the bills on a constant basis (so much so, that I have a second job teaching at the local university).

Though I try to be optimistic every day and go in with a fresh attitude, I am faced with people above me who scoff at me because of my youth and gender. Misogyny is alive and well in this small city of the Southwest.

What's even more impressive than the regressive male attitude at my job is the particular male ability of whining and complaining their way into having people feel sorry for them. I hear, "Oh, poor [insert name of male idiot here], he's so swamped. His job is so tough." I never seem to hear that about a female colleague, no matter how much larger her workload is.

When you combine up this misogynistic attitude, a blatant disregard for innovation (in a technological company, no less), and a distrust for the abilities I went to graduate school to acquire, you get a recipe for impatience. I feel ready to burst out of the metaphorical womb.

However, if there's something that life has taught me, it's crippling self-doubt. What if what I am so desperate to attain is not that great? What if I need help? What if I'm not ready, and it's a repeat of my birth?

Sometimes, the worst enemy is the one in your head.

I'll continue to exercise a semblance of patience for now, but the first chance I get to leap, I'll jump and ask questions later.