The Lies We Believe

“Behind a great man, there’s a great woman.”

“The man is the head of the household, but the woman is the neck.”

Odds are, if you are a woman, you’ve been told these and countless other phrases that promise that even though men run the world, we’re the ones pulling the strings. What a load of bullshit.

These phrases, along with the ideology that drives them, is one that’s been used to keep girls and women alike where society thinks they belong. Even the promise of gender equality we’ve been raised to believe is hollow. The act of saying something is true does not make it so. When we start realizing that this promise fails to deliver results, when we start waking up from the haze, we start questioning the status quo. That’s when these maxims come in from all around. We believe them, because we want to believe that there’s a world where women and men can be equal, where women are as respected as men. We start telling ourselves that even though men appear to have all the power, we’re the clever puppeteers. We’re the face behind the smoke and mirrors, and that’s alright, or at least that’s what we tell ourselves.

The problem with these maxims, these ideologies, is that a woman can’t claim the spotlight. There’s no space for a woman to shine in these ideologies. Our work is behind the scenes, we’re expected to do it, and we’re expected to bow our heads down and do it. As an avid reader of dating books, I don’t know how many times I’ve read that a woman should always make sure her man feels manly enough by praising, or else his libido might suffer. While this may be true, the fact remains that the focus of being a successful woman, even in a relationship, depends on doting upon the man. A man is set up as being the gazer and a woman exists as an accessory; a man is the success story, while the woman is a silent partner in his success.

What about women? What about our success? What about our libido? Maybe we’d be more into sex, more willing to go to bed with a partner or spouse that pays that favor back, someone who makes us feel great, who supports our rights to be equal, someone who is willing to do their fair share in the household.

If we buy into the ideology of these maxims, what we end up believing is that there’s not a woman who can stand on her own and shine through her merits. We are taught that we have to wait for a man to come along, mold him to what we think he should be and cleverly pull the strings. If this were true, it wouldn’t be fair to the men either.

However, I’m not implying that a partnership, a marriage or a relationship can’t bring out the best in each other. Successful relationships do this. What I am arguing is that if, as women, we keep holding on to our beliefs that we control the world behind the scenes, we’re in for a rude awakening. We are letting an outdated notion of our place in society dictate who we become and the choices we make along the way. If we hold onto these lies, then we’re not advancing our cause. Wouldn’t it be a better example to our daugthers, our peers, and other women if we were able to shine without being afraid of being disliked?