Conversations with my Mother

Last Saturday, I awoke to six e-mails and seven text messages from my mother, along with a hyperactive and hungry puppy that wouldn't let me sleep in. All texts and e-mails were wedding related.

I cursed the moment I showed her how to work her e-mail and text pictures.

Instead of replying (really, I should know better), I just hoped that I could ignore these as long as humanly possible. Ideally, until after the wedding was over and done with.

Three missed calls and a facebook message later, I knew I had to answer the phone at some point prior to the wedding, or else my mother's next line of defense was going to be facebook messaging my fiance so that he could get me to call her. I picked up my phone and dialed for torture.

"Hi mom, is everything ok?" I asked in hopes that she wasn't calling me to discuss something wedding-related.

Little did I know, it wasn't wedding related. It was something worse.

"Oh, yeah. What are you up to?" she replied.

"Nothing. Just sitting here with the pup. You know, my usual."

"I see. Did you see the e-mails I sent you at 2 AM?"

"Haven't had a chance to read them," I replied cringing at my blatant lie. "What are you up to?"

"I'm here at the mall. You won't believe who I just ran into."

"Oh no"

"Oh yes"

"No, no, no, no, no, no. You did not."

"Oh, not him. His mother."

She had ran into my ex fiance's mom. Great. Just peachy.

"What did you tell her?" I asked sweetly so that she wouldn't be defensive.

"Nothing."

Crickets. I could hear crickets over that awkward pause.

"What. Did. YOU. Tell. HER?"

"Oh, nothing. That you were getting married soon. That's all," she replied breezily.

Only my mother, folks. Only my mother.

"She asked about you, about how you were doing. And I said that. And then she asked about the groom, and I said he was fantastic. And I didn't ask her about him. I didn't want to know anything about him. His sister was there, too. And you know how they don't get along," she kept blabbering. The sister thing I knew; in fact, it was one of the biggest red flags in our relationship. "So then I kept looking at her and her smile kept getting bigger and bigger. Like she couldn't wait to say something about you getting married. It was gold."

"Ok, mom."

"But man, I wish I would run into him. I want to ream him out, tell him how awful he is."

"Mom, mom, mom, mom. No. If you run into him, you don't say anything. You don't want him to feel important."

"Really, you think so?"

"I know him. It'll just make him feel like he's worth something. Just ignore him if you want to hurt him. Trust me."

"I guess."

Who wants to bet she'll be petty and mean to him if they cross paths again?