I would like to begin this message by stating the obvious: of course you weren't being a jerk in your latest e-mail. Your desire of being honest was completely translated into pure and simple honesty as I read through your delightful coloration of my character. I was stumped by the message following its release that wanted to make sure that I understood you were just trying to be honest, and not a jerk. It's like you think I have feelings or something. God, who do you think I am? I know you better than any of your friends after six years of relationship; of course I won't take it personally when you call me a stupid slut!
In fact, you're completely and utterly right in calling me a stupid slut because I kissed another guy after you broke up with me. Upon further examination, I've concluded that I've been a stupid slut even before the breakup happened:
- Had I been a smart slut, I would have been kissing other guys (and Lord knows what else!) even before the breakup. This long-distance thing would have diminished the chances of you ever finding out, especially because, you know, you never once made an effort to visit me while we were together. I should've also kissed other guys within hours after the breakup. Lord knows I could've found some.
- A smart slut would have immediately taken upon herself to sell all the valuables and ask for more while you were in the process of groveling and willing to do anything to get me back.
- While we're on the subject of groveling, a smart slut wouldn't have turned down your advances while you were trying to make things work. A smart slut would've relished in the fact that if he succeeded in getting her into bed he wouldn't have gotten over it quickly and would have spent a hell of a lot more money in trying to win her back with gifts.
- A smart slut would've already acted upon and not refused the five sexual advances of eligible men instead of just keeping it PG.
- A smart slut would have looked at you in your weakest, most vulnerable state and would have spat at you, kicked you, and twisted the knife so hard that you would've felt you were dying instead of being nurturing, kind and understanding. Too bad I wasn't a smart slut, huh?
Taking these points into consideration, I think you did the right thing with both breaking off the engagement and pointing out my awful flaws via electronic text after I swallowed my pride and called you. Lord knows no one wants to be married to a stupid slut. You know, you've inspired me to become a smart slut. From now on, I'll stop acting like a stupid slut and start acting like an educated one. Maybe, just maybe I can catch myself a husband that way (because that should be my life goal from now on).
In all honesty, honey, I completely agree with all the points you made in your e-mail, one of them being that you considered yourself a great boyfriend to and the fact that I had become a mainstream girl. Of course you were a great boyfriend and I've become one of those mainstream girls. Let's start with my singing you praises of how great of a boyfriend you were ... until you dumped me out of the blue, that is.
Regarding my becoming a mainstream girl, you're right, I've yielded to the societal pressures that allow me to love all things pink, makeup, high heels, dresses, skirts, and romance novels. Again, I'm so sorry you had to put up with someone who did things for herself and no one else, who wore makeup because it suited her and who was motivated enough to keep up with her education. I'm also sorry that I expressed my thoughts too much and without censorship. What a nuisance I must have been! You're right, I'm mainstream. I should look into becoming a hipster. Because that's clearly less annoying than staying true to who I've become.
I can also see how my drooling over celebrity crushes only constitutes another reason for calling me a stupid slut. I was just settling for you and wishing I were with them instead (you know, because that's always been an option for me, as I've got contacts in Hollywood). I'm sure it would be perfectly more acceptable to be more like you, who didn't have celebrity crushes because you preferred your crushes to be of the real person variety, as they were accessible. I will keep this in mind for my future relationships; I'll make sure my eventual husband thanks you profusely for this little tidbit of advice.
And don't worry, sweetheart, I could never hate you. You were just trying to be honest, for Christ's sake! How could I hate someone who obviously has my and my future husband's best interests in mind? I don't know if I've met him yet, but your pointers are clearly the direction I so needed to get (the fuck) over you and move into a direction that allows me to be eligible once again (because I clearly haven't been eligible all along). With all your pointers about how I could change into becoming the perfect woman, I'll be sure to be a smart slut, less mainstream, and fantasize about real-life accessible human beings when I'm in a relationship with someone. What a lucky fellow he'll be!
Forever yours,
The Educated Slut
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