Wanting to Have it All... And Fried Chicken Strips

I can't sleep. Maybe it's because I ate fried chicken strips late at night. Maybe it's because I'm worried I'll never be able to get a car. Maybe it's because I'm an idiot. Maybe it's because I have too many thoughts.

Seriously, though, the chicken strips are most of it.

Well, that and the fact that I told my boyfriend I was in love with him a month ago. Why would I do such a thing? Because I'm an idiot.

His response? He said he cared about me. Romantic, no? (I vote no)

THE END.

Only not quite. I'm freaking out. I've been freaking out and hiding my crazy for a month now. I don't know how much longer I can leash the crazy in.

Once he realizes the bag of crazy I carry around in me, it's over. That, or he's re-evaluating his priorities.

The crazy is motivated by the idea that, well, I really didn't set out to be in a relationship. You see, this guy pursued me. He wanted this. I wasn't sold on being in a relationship (hello, my track record dating after the breakup shows how much of a grey area I was used to). In fact, he was the only one of the guys I dated after the breakup (6 if you must know) that flat out wanted me to see no one else but him (and said so during our first date).

He won me over little by little until, well, I was a goner. Then I fucked things up and told him. Now I'm on the receiving end of static. Oh, fuck me.

Now, that is not to say he's a horrible boyfriend. Quite the opposite, actually. During the five months we've dated, he's always acted like he's in love with me. Yet, he doesn't say it. Then I play this game in my head, the "would you rather" game. I ask myself, "Would you rather have someone who says he loves you and doesn't act like it or someone who acts like it but doesn't say it?"

Then my bitchy self chimes in and declares that I shouldn't have to choose because I should have it all.

And I do. I do want to have it all. I want him to allow himself to be as vulnerable as I've allowed myself to be in this relationship because I've loved and lost, too, and because it would make me feel like we're on equal footing. I want him to want to be with me every day. I want him to choose to be with me over and over and over again.

Who knows? Maybe I do have those things I want but am not seeing them. Maybe I don't. How will I ever know? When do I cut my losses? Do I have to stop wanting to have it all?

Maybe if I stop wanting to have it all, I won't lose sight of what I have in the moment. The problem with wanting to have it all is that it's unrealistic and cruel for everyone. People can only give so much of themselves, and sometimes they're doing the best they can.

I know that I'm the impulsive one. I know that he's the calculated, calm one. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe he can balance me out.

Lord knows premature "I love you"s are my specialty, and even when said back they are not guarantees of happily ever afters.

Until then, these chicken strips and my thoughts will keep me up because I'm an idiot with no self-control..